Guinea Pig

I'm so very sorry, my sweet first child. 

You are the guinea pig. 

We have already and inevitably will continue to make a million mistakes with you.

We will probably be harder on you than the rest of our kids.

We will probably confuse you with how many strategies we try on you. 

You will probably be dragged along to the pediatricians office the most for the silliest of reasons. 

I'm sorry you will be the one that in our life, gets me as the bad guy most days. We both love your Daddy, don't we? We love supporting his PhD dreams. But I get jealous when you smile and run to him after a long day of me pulling my hair out. I'm sorry sometimes that you get the best of him and so often see the worst of me.  

I'm sorry that I'm the most insecure mama with you. I genuinely hope I can focus less on myself when your baby bro or sis comes on the scene. I hope I'm more confident in the decisions I make for the both of you. 

I'm sorry I will compare you to other kids the most because I've never done this before. I'm sorry that I will forget to cherish you in your exact stage when other children around you are at different stages. 

I'm sorry I will forget you are your own little person with your own little personality. I'm sorry I will forget you aren't me and you aren't an adult. I'm sorry I lose my patience with you, expect you to know better when I haven't yet taught you. 

I wish I could have the ease and comfort of a mom who has been doing this for ten years. But I don't. You get the new, inexperienced mom. And I'm so sorry.

But I promise you. You have all of me.

Yes you will have all my imperfections and failings and all my inexperience. You will get the brunt of the newness. But you will get an oatmeal heart. You will get my joy. You will get my enthusiasm for your life. You will get a mama who loves you more than you can ever imagine. You will have the pictures that show in our faces just how much you were loved right here, right now, in all the mess and mess ups and I'm sorrys. You will have the one on one toddler time mommy dates at the library and the family dates just the three of us at the market and the park. And you may just get the most prayers, at least, the most times that I will ask God "Am I doing this right?" and "HELP GOD!" 

Forgive us in advance. We will pay the therapy you will need later because of us.

We love you little Guinea Pig. Don't you ever forget it. You are the best gift we have ever been given, so forgive our over enthusiasm and over worry and over doing it because we just love you so dog-gone much.