I've had two weeks to process that I am a Boy Mom!
Do you remember the first time you said "My Boyfriend?" or "My Fiance?" Even crazier, the first time you said "My husband?" or "My son or my daughter?" There is a warmth that spreads through the heart that can't be described. A gratefulness. A contentment that God has given you people of your very own.
Well, lately, I've been cherishing the moments where I've had the opportunity to utter the words, "My boys" and "My sons."
MY BOYS! MY SONS! What precious gifts. There is nothing like it. I don't deserve them.
My God, my God. You are good.
If you ask Tim, I always kind of knew I would probably have all boys. I don't think we are "done" by any means. God could yet give me a little girl. So this news doesn't make me grieve. It just makes me excited, confused, nauseous, giddy, dizzy, elated, and a little nervous. ALL THE FEELS!
Titus will have a buddy, someone to bunk with, get into trouble with, an ally when his parents get to be too much for him. I can imagine them in cahoots after bedtime, and can already see myself hovering outside their door considering whether to shut it down or let them bond a little longer.
With resigned doom, I can already feel the leggos pinch the bottom of my feet.
Two boys to eat more pie and cookies and ice cream cake. Maybe I will no longer feel guilty because it won't be just Tim and I when I get into my habitual baking moods.
A baby boy that I don't know how to prepare for, because we already have all the things that we need. There are things I want, sure, but we have the clothes, blankets, nursery, and more than enough love to go around.
My already high energy spirit will need a boost, increasing in sync with my stock of band-aids.
I know somehow that this son will be different from Titus. It is not like Titus 2.0 is growing within me. I can't begin to imagine who he will be. Bambino is a person all his own, with his own face, with his own personality. I truly can't wait to meet him, and I pray God will give me what I need to love him exactly how he needs to be loved, with his unique, stand alone self yet still made in God's image.
I'm terrified of middle children. All of you. The things you put your mother through! But the truth is, I happen to be married to a middle child, a second child in fact. Tim and Bambino already have so much in common, and will probably share a bond deeper because of it. Not only are they both the second child, but they are both the second boy. This makes me braver for some reason.
With a sober heart, I think ahead on my time with my boys. I know that at some point my influence with them will lessen. I figure I have maybe 13 years, give or take, of being the biggest influence in their lives. They will grow up, become teenagers, leave the house, and marry sometime. Rightly so, they will look towards their Dad if we are blessed enough, and then become their own men, hopefully looking to God to be their ultimate heart-shaper. It doesn't seem like a lot of time for me, and I know it will go by too fast. If I had girls, I feel like my time might be extended, or in fact might never stop. Yet, that is not what the Lord has given me.
This time is both an absolute gift and humongous responsibility. And so, I pray. For my boys, and for my heart as their boy mom.
God help me not to waste this time. Help me be intentional. Help me love them in such a way as to point them to you. Thank you for this sense of urgency to teach them your ways, to love them like only a mother could. Help me not to be sad when they don't need me so much anymore, and cherish the now when they do. Thank you for giving me your boys to take care of for a little while. What an immense gift. What a generous giver.