I'm not ready

...for another kid. 

You are thinking, "A little late for that, isn't it?"

Right. It's coming, whether I'm ready or not. T minus 8 weeks, give or take.

Confession time. I still don't know how to install the infant car seat. I tried to put up the pack-n-play today so my new baby would have somewhere to sleep if he came before we have a chance to get a bassinet. But guess what? I don't know how to install the bassinet portion of the pack-n-play. I spent ALMOST AN HOUR trying to figure it out and then texted my husband in defeat. I vacillate between being grateful for my genius husband who knows how to do EVERYTHING and being woefully offended that he is smarter than me on a daily basis. I don't have meals in my freezer. I don't have size one diapers in case the baby doesn't fit into newborn ones. I don't have nursing pads, clean bottles, or something to entertain my toddler with while I try to feed the baby in the day time. 

I've been having these vivid, anxiety producing dreams. One that I went into labor. I FELT THE CONTRACTIONS IN MY DREAM. It was so real. It was happening. Last night I had a dream my placenta BURST and we were both hemorrhaging. I know all I'm going to want in 8 weeks is a decent night's sleep, but I'm honestly scared to sleep lately.

I'm not ready for the insanity of sleeplessness. I'm not ready to be scared all the time that my toddler might unknowingly hurt my newborn if I'm not watching closely. I'm not ready to have a body recovering from childbirth and needing to nourish another human being at the same time. I'm not ready to hibernate in my house for a few months. I'm not ready to put my everything on hold again until I can figure out our new rhythm, or accept the fact that there isn't much of a predictable rhythm to having two kids under two. 

I've SOSed a couple of girlfriends who have been whispering me back to sanity.  They've set up a freezer meal swap, volunteered to watch Titus when I go into labor, and told me it's not hurting anyone to be a little ahead on things. 

One friend texted, "I've got news for you. You won't be ready." 

I stopped and read it again, the truth sinking into my swiffer wet jetting heart.

She's right. I won't be.

I wasn't ready to have Titus, and yet here he is! No matter how many things I did, there was still more to do. No matter how long my mom stayed, I still bawled when she left me with my newborn. I wasn't ready to go out of the house, but somehow we got to that first doctor's apt. I wasn't ready for any moment of the past year and a half, not a single one, and it has nothing to do with the steps I took to prepare myself. 

Nothing can prepare you fully for motherhood. Nothing can prepare you for the weight of this responsibility, for the impossible beauty that you can actually bear it, and some days even do it well.

Nothing can prepare you for the new normal that giving yourself fully to another every day would become your biggest joy.

I'm scared because I know I can't do this. I can't swing it. I can't hustle out of the dependence God wants me to have on him while I have a newborn.

I picture myself crawling up the stairs after Titus was born, each one being more painful than the last. I see myself begging my mom not to go. I see myself clinging to my best friend and crying at the sheer exhaustion of driving home from the hospital. I see myself writing on facebook, "anybody else awake?" at three am because I needed to know I wasn't alone. It sounds so desperate! And it absolutely was.  

And yet. Was it not a year and a half ago that God reentered my life as the hero of my story? Was it not then that he started to make my heart oatmeal, soft and moldable again to Him, his direction, his control, his tender love? There, I see us, hours in my nursing corner, holding Titus, talking to the Lord, asking for his help, admitting to him that I couldn't do this by myself, pleading with him that I wouldn't mess up this most important mission of my entire life. The sweetest intimacy I've felt with Jesus paired with the most humiliating dependence upon him and the people he put in my life to care for me. As a new mom,  I learned that dependence and intimacy with the Lord went hand in hand.

You can't give it to him to fix when you are pretending you have it all together already. 

So my prayer today is not that I would get the things done on my list. My prayer is that God would bring me to this sweet dependence on Him today. Don't wait for another eight weeks Lord!  Instead of asking that everything be prepared, I'm asking him to prepare me. My children don't need a perfect mommy. They just need a mom who knows that yes, she is limited, but that she serves a limitless God

I am not prepared. I am not ready.

God is prepared. God is ready.