What I wouldn't give for a day off the pregnancy hormones. One blessed day off the roller coaster of emotions.
I'm not sure if you've learned this yet in your life, but I've learned many a time not to trust my feelings.
They aren't super helpful in deciphering the truth. But God gave them to us, yes? And then super-sized them during pregnancy.
Last night, at our Dayton Women in the Word gathering, we talked about the Holy Spirit. My friend Natalie shared about how she felt like God wasn't there when she asked Him to show up.
Today, I had a similar experience.
I sat down to lunch with my toddler. We've been trying, and failing, to teach Titus not to throw food on the floor. I prayed and asked God to help us make it through the meal, to help Titus understand, to help me parent him well. As soon as we said, "Amen," I handed him his plate, which he immediately threw on the floor. Leftover Blue Apron, which I took the time to actually cook, spewed entirely for our 30 pound spaniel mix to enjoy.
Suffice it to say, toddlers with big feelings and pregnant moms with big feelings are not the best combination.
He went to time out.
I went to time out.
In the kitchen, while I was searching for any sort of cleaning apparatus and making my son another plate, I felt them. Angry tears. "God, I asked you for help! Where are you? Why won't you help me?" Today I'm exhausted, my throat hurts, my body hurts. Its much too hot and my compression hose are much too tight. And one trip to Costco had me asking God if it was bed time yet.
Per routine, I came back. He curled in my lap. We prayed. And we tried again. And again.
Until I felt like he ate enough for me to justify putting him down for a nap.
And then I put myself down for a nap.
"And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper, to be with you forever." John 14:16
It's amazing how as soon as you learn something, it's tested. God is asking, "Do you believe I'm here? Even if you don't feel me? Even if you don't get what you want in this moment? Do you believe me when I say I'm your Helper? That I'm with you? Always?"
With me? Helping me? Who is helping me unload my Costco sized crates? Who is with me cleaning this 10 dollar shittake rice off the wall?
But there it is. There He is.
Showing up all over the place. Giving me enough strength and the funds to go to Costco. Giving me a son when so many can't conceive. Giving me friends and a husband to ask for prayers and help. Giving me a break in the form of nap time. (All the mamas of small kiddos say Amen!) Giving me a blog to unload the Costco sized feelings and form the exhaustion into a purpose.
I don't have to feel like He is there to know He is. I just have to trust Him and ask Him to open my weary eyes. And sometimes I can't do that at the lunch table, but He always gives me a space, however small, to see His help and hand in every aspect of my life.
Weary mamas, He does more than see you on your vericose veined knees cleaning up another milk spill. He is with you, helping you, always. He doesn't promise it will be glamorous or that it will go the way you wish it would. But He promises you Himself, which is a far larger than Costco sized promise. And He keeps it.