Right now I'm sitting in my chair, relishing the nap time quiet that is 2:19 PM.
It's been an unusual week for me.
I've been ignoring the dishes and the laundry, which gives me anxiety and freedom at the same time. I've been sleeping in later. I've been reading and sitting on the floor to play with my toddler. I had a long coffee session with a friend. I let someone bring me breakfast and said "okay" when she said I didn't need to pay her back. I haven't been going to the gym or out on walks.
I'm being still.
7 weeks until second baby is due. I'm grappling on to these final moments as a mother of one, and this special season when we are a family of three.
And I don't want to apologize about it, especially to myself.
But it's a little uncomfortable for me, you know? I'm a do-er, go getter. I've always had too much ambition for my own good. And people pleaser is my middle name.
Then my son says "MOMMY" and runs his face into my skirt. Or he pats the chair next to him because he wants me to sit down. Or he points to the closet and says "color!" And suddenly everything else seems less important than it did a moment ago.
Maybe this is the calm before the storm of two boys. Or maybe it is the Lord allowing me to risk letting go of some things because I can't be all things to all people all the time. I know I can't have it all. And so. I choose Jesus, my three guys, and hopefully some meaningful relationships and writing and maybe even some books and wine and coffee along the way.
It's like God is whispering, "I AM the have it all life. And you already have me." And that has absolutely nothing to do with social obligations or a clean house or made up face. In fact, it has nothing to do with me at all.
When I trust that He is everything, than I don't have to be.
I have a friend who once told me to work from rest, not the other way around. I wish this was easy for me, but I have an old buddy whose name is GUILT weighing me down more than every pound of baby weight. I've always had it, but it has matured and taken on new roles. There is mom guilt, house church shepherd guilt, wife guilt, friend guilt, family guilt, self-care guilt. I could go on. These flavors of guilt usually make my feet hurt by the end of a third trimester day. And not once, not ever, do I feel like I've balanced everything well in a single day. Probably because I'm trying to make myself out to be God, instead of worshiping Him who is actually God.
I've always been annoyed when someone walks into a room and immediately apologizes. It's like they feel guilty for existing and must announce it upon opening the door.
But I'm kinda that girl, too. I assume I'm doing it wrong and the world will fall apart and I will not measure up if I don't keep moving. My movement is my apology for existing.
The truth is, I've already been freed of that guilt, too.
"Jesus paid it all. All to him I owe. Sin had left a crimson stain. He washed me white as snow. Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead!"
Lord, save me from the chains of guilt that haunt my every move. Help me to worship your perfection, your goodness, your love, and point others to you instead of to myself. Help me to rest in this season and trust you with the disappointment that might bring to others as I do. Help me to see you as my all.