Today my baby, Matthias, turns one years old. Last night in bed I grabbed Tim's hand and we prayed a prayer of gratitude over his life. After we were finished, I had to turn over my pillow to the dry side to sleep because I had leaked tears all over it. I'm just so darn grateful. Matthias is such a joy. It's such fun being his mom.
I remember when Titus, my first son, turned one. It was such a big moment. It felt like just as much a milestone for me as for him. I felt like "I can't believe I kept him alive for an entire year!" But also, I felt like I was starting to own a little bit of my own motherhood and wasn't so uncomfortable in my own skin anymore. I had been flattened by ear infections and sanctified through my own selfish battle for my time, but looking at my kid, I knew I had been blessed beyond measure. I was starting to accept my new mom bod, feel more sane and rested. I was leaning in hard to my mom friends and listening to all the mom podcasts and pondering what it meant to be strong and courageous in the battlefield that come with motherhood.
So I invited the people. I made the cake. And we celebrated that little guy's first year of life, and inwardly I celebrated the highs and lows of learning how to become a mother.
Today, I'm doing much of the same as with Titus' first birthday. I'm a simple birthday kind of gal. I do the balloons and the cake and invite the people. Nothing fancy, but loaded with happy. I'm going to make sure my baby knows he is cherished today. Tim stayed home from his weekly men's breakfast to make him bacon and eggs and to watch him discover the billion balloons and yellow vtech baby walker we got him.
Recently, I was telling a new mom to hang in there. I feel so much different this year than I did that first year. I just feel joy for my little boy's life. Today, I don't feel like I made it through a battlefield, although I am sure there are plenty more to come. Maybe I am fighting less of the battles I don't need to fight because I know to save my energy for the bigger battles ahead. Maybe I'm just so focused on the new battles with my toddler that it doesn't seem like I have any battles whatsoever with my baby. Like been there, done that.
Maybe the biggest difference is that I've seen the danger of the need to save my kids, be the perfect mom, or seem like I have it all together to all ya'll. Those battles I will continue to fight, but when I am listening to the Holy Spirit, He claims victory over all of those. And that releases me just to be the servant to my kids that He made me to be.
So today I'm going to bake a pumpkin cake for my little fall pumpkin and probably keep vacillating between crying that this baby boy's babyhood is coming to a close and jumping up and down for joy that he doesn't technically need my boobs anymore.
Am I right?