As soon as the key fob brings the car to life, the dashboard is yelling obscenities at me. The breaks are out again. Guess I can't drive anywhere today. Never mind I just wrestled two kids, three bags (one separate one for each human being), a lunch, and a stroller in my car. It's okay. I promise. Not gonna cry. We drive it to the dealer only to hear it will take a bajillion dollars to fix so we drive it back to our garage to live in its vegetative coma state. Okay, maybe now I'm crying.
I log online to work on some DWITW podcast show notes. Can't hear the guest on the recording. Swallow my pride and call to ask the guest to rerecord the session, rearrange the babysitter, reserve the library studio, etc. Technological difficulties, oh how I loathe you.
Tim's boss announced to him that his PhD thesis, due in November, he actually wants done RIGHT THIS SECOND. There will be no husband around until this PhD is done for good. All the plans are now canceled or we will shovel out some more cash for a sitter. Womp, womp.
My kiddo cycles down the same behavior train every single day, no matter how I parent. And the green snot is freely falling out of the kids and myself no matter how many extra Zarbee's Natural Vitamins I've been pumping into them. The snot mocks me.
Somewhere in there I lost my wallet, and my sanity along with it.
This is OUT OF CONTROL.
I am OUT OF CONTROL.
I can control nothing in my life right now.
Thank God. Finally.
I love this place.
And. I hate this place.
Really, I hate to need this place. But when I'm here, I'm so stinking relieved.
You see, God knows me. He knows me more than I know myself. And He for sure knows how I struggle with control, and so, sometimes He likes to shakes things from my grip to remind me who it is that is REALLY the one in control. And he softens my death grip on things that I don't really need. He takes my hands and he places them back in His own. Because it is true, all I need is God himself. And all those things? They distance me from God when they become my god. One by one they create a wedge between us when I worship them instead of worshipping Him! He can sense when I'm starting to grasp on to lesser loves, when I exchange the truth of God for a lie, when I don't acknowledge or honor Him (Romans 1).
Yay God! I see what you are doing, and because you have been drawing me near, it has not taken long for me to see it.
I REJOICE that He is taking away the stability I think I have in working cars and microphones, in perfectly arranged google calendars, in healthy bodies, and any affirmation whatsoever that my parenting is heading in a right direction. I thank God for helping me lay down my need to impress podcast guests and listeners, and confessing the idol called "the girl who has it all together." I praise Him for nailing the prideful sentiment, ahem, okay, painfully frustrated lament that may or may not have been uttered twenty times last week, "WE HAVE THIS MUCH EDUCATION BETWEEN THE TWO OF US AND YET WE CAN NOT NAIL DOWN ONE FUNCTIONING VEHICLE?!?"
Oh, my God, thank you for the growth to recognize what you are doing this time, and stop fighting it. I accept you showing me your rock solid self in this wishy washy world and to my wishy washy heart.
Because now I can lean real close again.
What is the truth, friends? What is He showing me?
I continue to accept my weaknesses as a way to show His strength. (2 Corinthians 12:9-11) And again, His joy is my own strength. (Neh 8:10) My strength is not my own strength. And yet, I can do all through Him who gives me strength! (Philippians 4:13)
He will supply all my needs. (Philippians 4:19)
I will be anxious for NOTHING and ask Him for everything, trusting in a God whose hand and eye is upon me, in a God who fights for me. (Philippians 4:6-7, Ezra 7, Ezra 5).
And there is GREAT gain in godliness WITH contentment (1 Timothy 6:6).
THAT THOSE WHO SEEK THE LORD LACK NO GOOD THING! (Psalm 34:10b)
I will rejoice in the Lord, ALWAYS (Philippians 4:4), again and again, not just when I feel like it, not just when things are going my way, not just when God grants me good things, but now, today, in times when I am begging for a harness to catch me from the free fall of this life when He has already saved me from the miry pit! He has set me on the solid, abundant ground of his love and truth and redemption. In His presence there is FULLNESS of JOY (Psalm 16:11).
I'm finally reminded of the freedom I already have from my idols of control, schedule, routine, social standards, kid behavior determining my behavior, praise from others, Itunes reviews, myself, and on and on and on.
I admit my reliance is in working things over a working God! I admit my hope was in clockwork instead of His work. I admit my tinkering instead of trusting.
Remember camp? Trust falls? That awful thing when you have to trust a stranger is going to catch you and just teeter over into their arms? I'm that girl with a lot of feelings on mean girl who is about to splat on the ground. I am in one big trust fall, and I don't believe He is going to catch me, when I have already been caught. God is not a stranger, He's my Dad. And he has the whole world in His hands.
And you know what he has given me just because He loves me? We have been given cars to use over these past few weeks. He is giving us access to a studio with better equipment for the podcast and tech workers to help record! He is humbling me before my toddler and supplying rich tissues for the great snot exodus of 2017.
And I'm so grateful, but not because of these things, details, and people. I'm thankful for God himself.
Hallelujah! All I have is Christ! Hallelujah! Jesus is my life!
Feeling His harness of freedom, close to me. He is close to me. As I build what He calls me to build, with my sword in one hand and getting plain busy for Jesus with the other. Learning and practicing these truths, laughing at the days ahead when I know He will pull me away yet again from these idols and closer to Him. And eager for Him to do so.